Allyship 101: How to Support a Friend who just Came Out

April 14, 2024

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Written by Kiki Dy Content

Allyship 101: How to Support a Friend who just Came Out

April 14, 2024

·

Written by Kiki Dy Content

Please don't tell them you "always knew it!"

While the world might not be a queer utopia just yet, decades of activism and the dawn of social media have provided queer people with more information, resources and representation than ever before. Daylight is being shed on queerness of all stripes, and you might be wondering how to respond if a friend opens up to you about their gender or sexual identity.

If your friend has come out to you, understand that talking about it out loud is a huge step for them, and it’s only one out of a hundred. Coming out is a time of joy, but also anxiety, and possibly even sadness or anger. Here are some ways to support a queer friend in their coming out journey:

Accept their chosen label, even if you don’t fully understand it.

It’s a brave new world, darling, and there is a huge spectrum of queer identities that your friend could be coming out to you about. You might not have even heard of the word they’re using to describe themselves, and that’s ok! What’s important is that you follow their lead and believe what they’re telling you.

The label your friend is using is meaningful to them, whether it’s a popularly understood word like “lesbian” or “transgender”, or a more nuanced one you might have more questions about like “genderqueer” or “pansexual.” However, trust that they’ve put a lot of thought into this and they’re asking you for compassion in this moment, not immediate comprehension. No need to be on the defensive if you’re confused.

Do your own research. After having a conversation with your friend about their queer identity, look up more information and stories from people who share that identity. Ongoing conversations with your friend will be more helpful to them if they don’t feel like they have to teach you everything about their world. A great place to start is the Trevor Project's information center.

Don’t “I always knew” them. Sure, if you’re good friends with a queer person, you’ve probably picked up on things that seemed a little, well … different about them. But even if your gay friend has been belting out showtunes in full-on drag since high school, it’s still significant that they trust you to be honest about their true self. Don’t undercut it.

Don’t get frustrated with fluctuating labels. Don’t get it twisted: queer identities aren’t a “phase” and bisexual or pansexual identities aren’t just “stopping points” before “going full gay.” Your friend might have figured out exactly how they feel and how to articulate it right now, and assuming it’ll be short-lived is hurtful. That being said, coming out is only the beginning of discovering oneself, and a person’s language around their queerness might evolve. Try not to get frustrated if your queer friend changes how they identify a few times. Most queer people are not trying to inconvenience people in their lives; they’re just doing the best they can on their self-discovery journey.

Treat them as an individual

While it is indeed a scientific fact that queer people are more fun, don’t immediately start ascribing new stereotypical personality quirks to your friend who has come out. If your first reaction to them coming out is “I love gay people!” or “I’m glad you’re transitioning because I hate men!” it’s not kind; it’s reductive. They’re still the exact same person, their queerdom is just extra context. It’s a privilege to get to know more about people you love, so don’t treat it like a zany “sassy gay friend” side plot in your life.

Let them come out to others on their own terms. This probably goes without saying, but unless your friend asks you to inform other people about their identity, that’s not your job. Their timeline is their own, so don’t try to speed it up or slow it down.

Understand that being queer is bigger than finding a romantic partner (so no, they don’t want to go on a date with your rando gay cousin). Don’t assume that your single friend’s priority in coming out is to find better romantic prospects. Being queer is an integral part of who they are, not just a preference on a dating app.

Take their anxieties seriously

If your friend feels comfortable coming out to you and you have enough care to read advice on how best to support them, I’m going to assume you’re pretty open minded and progressive. So, it’s extra important that you remember that not everyone is.

Don’t downplay the challenges they’ll encounter. It might be tempting to say “Hey, it’s no big deal!” because that’s how you feel, but to someone coming out for the first time, it really is a big deal. The world is getting more progressive in some ways, but it’s still not easy out here for those of us who break the heteronormative binary. Basic human rights for queer people is still treated as a political football, and your friend experiences worries and indignities every day that straight, cis people never have to think about.

Help them connect with local resources. Your friend might greatly benefit from LBGTQ+ support groups and services offered through community organizations. At the very least, it helps them build queer community, and at most, it could help them get the mental and sexual health services or gender affirming care they need. They might have already done their own research, but doing a quick search yourself and compiling a list for them is a kind gesture that could make a huge difference. Here are a few places to start:

Ask how you can best support them. Straight or queer, cis or trans, one of the best ways to support a friend is to listen to them. Ask them directly if there’s anything you can do that helps them feel more comfortable and continue to have conversations with them about how they’re embracing their identity.